A New Vocabulary

An etymology of the new words I create for Twitter.

The term ‘Dugnown’ was coined by Professor Ian MacArpark in 2010 after he noticed his father attempting to send an email using an iPhone and accidentally unleashing the Stuxnet virus instead, while his son Ian Junior was attempting to remove his girlfriend’s bra on the other side of the room. MacArpark wrote the paper On the Similarity of Hand Action When Old People Try to Use Smartphones and When Young Males Try to Remove Girls’ Bras after he had lectured his son on the appropriate times and places to undress his beloved.
Other lesser-known words for popular practical jokes:
Massamony - Convincing a nun that she will never die
Defrunging - Removing all of the buckets from a Broadway theatre
Asympchute - To call a neighbour on the phone and tell them that their house has disappeared
Ghumph - To replace the toothpaste in a hotel toiletry package with corn
Olpetering - Putting an almost invisible layer of cling-film over all entrances to Paraguay
"Thwissapoint" is a portmanteau word, combining "disappoint" and the surname of the first person to experience this occurrence, Maribold Thwiss.
When travelling through seventeenth-century Slovenia, Maribold encountered a village entirely consisting of sad-looking gerbils. Convinced that they were under the spell of a wicked witch, Thwiss ventured to a nearby castle and slayed the old crone who dwelled within. Certain that he would be greeted as a hero upon his return, Maribold went back to the village only to find that the gerbils were still rampant.
Thwiss rested in the village, surrounded by gerbils, for two days and nights. After this time the villagers, who had been helping the residents of a neighbouring town paint a very long fence, returned to find Thwiss in the local inn, weeping at his failure and trying to embrace a fearful rodent.
When the villagers heard Maribold’s story they were sympathetic, but were forced to execute him as the crone he had murdered was not actually a witch, but was instead someone that the villagers paid to feed their massive collection of gerbils while they were away.
'Gundsnope' comes from the Aramaic word 'Gedsnop,' meaning “He who makes unreasonable demands regarding the contents of his clothing pouch.”
Other words derived from this common root include the Icelandic word ‘Goodsnack’ (“Convenience store”), the Flemish word ‘Godsmack’ (“Terrible metal band”) and Tim Gunn.
The word ‘Gundsnope’ is unrelated to the Australian slang term ‘Garnsnape’, which means “Bloke wot kibbered up the old begumgum doodge.”
Ullthwane in the news:

Police have confirmed that Mr Dredger’s cause of death was ullthwane.
"The combined weight of all sixty three fezzes ultimately crushed the victim’s neck," said a police spokesbucket. "He was unable to call for help after collapsing because the hats precluded him from moving his limbs."
The spokesbucket went on to add that many witnesses had come forward, and some of them had funny names.

- Hatbarge: The Dangerous New Craze Killing Our Children (Gloucester Daily Spindle, February 14, 2003)

An attempt at breaking the Guinness world record for “most hats worn by a single person” ended in tragedy yesterday, as the attemptee, Gordon Planganbanham, died of Ullthwane.
"The record wouldn’t have counted anyway," said a Guinness spokeshelmet, "I hadn’t started my stopwatch."
Police are appealing for many reasons.

-Bowled Over: Record Attempt Goes All Ooof-Gah (Chisholm Daily Sponge, March 2, 2010)
The etymology of the word ‘choes’ is a long, winding and delicate thing, like a surgically-extended penis in an outpatient ward. Many scholars work under the assumption that the ultimate origin of the word is the French word ‘chose,’ meaning ‘thing’. This is understood to have been bastardised by an unruly vagabond in 1790, leading to the swapping of the last two letters (a phenomenon known to linguists as a ‘Rinkidink Reward’) and giving it a slightly different meaning.
Other scholars believe ‘choes’ is a portmanteau word combining ‘shoes’ and ‘chou-fleur’, which is the French word for ‘white brocolli.’ These scholars have no friends and sit at a table by themselves in the liguistic lunch room and the other scholars laugh at them and throw things and ask them if they know the etymology of the word ‘stupid loser prick with no friends’.

The etymology of the word ‘choes’ is a long, winding and delicate thing, like a surgically-extended penis in an outpatient ward. Many scholars work under the assumption that the ultimate origin of the word is the French word ‘chose,’ meaning ‘thing’. This is understood to have been bastardised by an unruly vagabond in 1790, leading to the swapping of the last two letters (a phenomenon known to linguists as a ‘Rinkidink Reward’) and giving it a slightly different meaning.

Other scholars believe ‘choes’ is a portmanteau word combining ‘shoes’ and ‘chou-fleur’, which is the French word for ‘white brocolli.’ These scholars have no friends and sit at a table by themselves in the liguistic lunch room and the other scholars laugh at them and throw things and ask them if they know the etymology of the word ‘stupid loser prick with no friends’.

The earliest known usage of ‘Vinch’ was in the 1962 poem, Poorflake Were the Collops by Sheamus Consonant:

Yon Garibaldi biscuit fall/Table-high to floorest crunch/Vinch my face with sodden cheeks/My mother’s bosom symbolic heave

Soon afterwards, Consonant was awarded $5,000 for promising never to write another poem again.
Other rarely-used collective nouns:
A Yentob of BBC Directors-General
A Blargeld of former members of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
A Sixswab of runcible spoons
A Swelling of typography blogs
An Eggbirth of mispronounced African cities
A Floot of X-Files trading cards
A Sembotantara of things made of wishes
A Gout of Republican presidential nominees

Other rarely-used collective nouns:

  • A Yentob of BBC Directors-General
  • A Blargeld of former members of Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds
  • A Sixswab of runcible spoons
  • A Swelling of typography blogs
  • An Eggbirth of mispronounced African cities
  • A Floot of X-Files trading cards
  • A Sembotantara of things made of wishes
  • A Gout of Republican presidential nominees
The word “Barschguild” is named after Sir Ronald Begley-Barsch, who in 1831 had a special house built out of completely non-flammable materials. The interior of the house nothing whatsoever that could be set on fire; all writing implements, for example, were made out of candied fruit, while the chairs were entirely made of water.
Sir Ronald used the building for meetings for like-minded people who detested being on fire. His own experience with human combustion came when a hot air balloon landed on his head and set his moustache ablaze. This incident traumatised him so much that he created his Barschguild, which - at its peak - had as many as 65 members.
Sadly, the original Barschguild ended in tragedy, when a hot air balloon landed on the building, causing it to collapse, crushing everyone inside. Witnesses at the time said the chances of anyone surviving the event were “slim to argh”.

The word “Barschguild” is named after Sir Ronald Begley-Barsch, who in 1831 had a special house built out of completely non-flammable materials. The interior of the house nothing whatsoever that could be set on fire; all writing implements, for example, were made out of candied fruit, while the chairs were entirely made of water.

Sir Ronald used the building for meetings for like-minded people who detested being on fire. His own experience with human combustion came when a hot air balloon landed on his head and set his moustache ablaze. This incident traumatised him so much that he created his Barschguild, which - at its peak - had as many as 65 members.

Sadly, the original Barschguild ended in tragedy, when a hot air balloon landed on the building, causing it to collapse, crushing everyone inside. Witnesses at the time said the chances of anyone surviving the event were “slim to argh”.

"Shimatsunitao" literally translates as "the Way of the Death Festival" (Shi = death; matsu = festival; tao = way).
The word seems to come from an ancient proverb in which a koi carp outwits a cormorant by speaking in riddles and pretending to be a Dutchman. The moral of the story, once the heron has gone insane and pecked the unlucky fish to death, is that not checking oneself has the propensity to lead one to wreck oneself. 
A variation of the word appears in an early haiku by Bashō:
Heta desu yo / watashi no tamago / Shimatsu yo - The temple monks / Flare their nostils and square up to each other like a pair of angry large-testicled tanukis / They better check themselves before they wreck themselves

"Shimatsunitao" literally translates as "the Way of the Death Festival" (Shi = death; matsu = festival; tao = way).

The word seems to come from an ancient proverb in which a koi carp outwits a cormorant by speaking in riddles and pretending to be a Dutchman. The moral of the story, once the heron has gone insane and pecked the unlucky fish to death, is that not checking oneself has the propensity to lead one to wreck oneself. 

A variation of the word appears in an early haiku by Bashō:

Heta desu yo / watashi no tamago / Shimatsu yo - The temple monks / Flare their nostils and square up to each other like a pair of angry large-testicled tanukis / They better check themselves before they wreck themselves